


The French Mistake

by celeste9



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Gen, In-Universe RPF, Metafiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-27
Updated: 2013-10-27
Packaged: 2017-12-30 14:18:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1019650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celeste9/pseuds/celeste9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I see you've discovered RPF," Darcy said.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The French Mistake

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Trope Bingo, 'metafiction'.

While it was true that Steve had been tremendously disappointed by the lack of flying cars (apparently Howard never did figure that out…) and by the fact that space travel seemed to be mostly limited to a guy bouncing around on the moon and the odd unmanned shuttle to Mars, the twenty-first century had a lot to offer. Like the internet. Steve loved the internet.

He appreciated that whenever Tony called Clint something like ‘Katniss’ or Darcy started speaking in nearly unintelligible slang, he could Google it and not feel like a complete idiot. He appreciated having seventy years of history and pop culture right at his fingertips. He appreciated that he could type in everything from ‘how to charge a cell phone’ to ‘how to build a robot’ and find helpful steps, and sometimes even videos. He also had to admit to a sneaking fondness for all those cat videos on YouTube.

That being said, the internet was a frightening place. It was safe to say that if you could think of it, it existed somewhere online. This was not always a good thing, Steve had discovered. He had also discovered that reading the comments section of an article, no matter what the article was, was guaranteed to make him want to weep for humanity.

He wasn’t sure how he stumbled onto it, precisely. Following links until he couldn’t remember exactly what he’d been looking for in the first place and suddenly he was swamped with words like, ‘alwaysagirl!Tony’ and ‘rimming’ and ‘AU’. He might not have examined any of it too closely except that the names looked awfully familiar.

Clint/Natasha headed several posts. Steve/Tony headed even more. Avengers team fic, Tony/Bruce, Steve/Natasha… Then there were puzzling combinations of words like, ‘Stark Spangled Banner’.

Steve clicked on a link that had his name on it. He began reading. By the time ‘Steve’ started enthusiastically sucking ‘Tony’s’ dick, Steve wasn’t sure quite what to think. He was pretty sure, however, that he didn’t know how to use his tongue like that, actually.

Someone came into the room, the soft tread of sneakers across the floor. Steve slammed the laptop closed.

“Are you looking at porn?” Darcy asked, coming up beside him and leaning against the table, crossing her arms over her chest. “Because I totally don’t care if you are, though I make no promises that I won’t tell Tony. Also Coulson, because he always looks like someone ran over his puppy whenever you turn out to be not quite the good old-fashioned boy you’re supposed to be. Sometimes Clint takes pictures.”

Yes, Steve had seen those. Plastered all over the Tower. “Sometimes I think you guys forget that we had sex in the forties. And also that I was in the army. Not to mention the RSO girls I was traveling the world with.”

“Steve,” Darcy said, getting this gleam in her eyes. “Did an RSO girl punch your v-card? Because that is a story I need to hear. Seriously, I need to, or I might die.”

“I am not discussing my ‘v-card’ with you.” Steve was kind of proud he knew what Darcy was talking about, though.

“Not even if it means Tony would spectacularly lose the pool?”

Steve took a moment to lament the fact that the status of his virginity was worthy of a betting pool, though he couldn’t pretend to be terribly surprised. “Tempting, but no.”

Darcy shrugged. “Worth a shot.” Then she leaned over and flipped open Steve’s laptop.

Steve cringed as Darcy’s eyes scanned the words on the open page.

“I see you’ve discovered RPF,” Darcy said.

“RPF?” Steve asked, feeling faintly apprehensive of learning the answer.

“Real Person Fiction.”

“Um. So, do I have this right? People make up stories about other people and then post them on the internet?”

“Yeah, pretty much. Just about famous people, though. And sometimes their families. Really, you should be proud. You’re a big enough celebrity that people want to write porn about you.”

“That’s certainly one way to look at it,” Steve hedged. Honestly, he felt more like hiding in a hole somewhere and never coming back out. He had never realized just how many people were interested in his penis. And where he was putting it.

“I might have written a thing or two myself,” Darcy said, utterly offhand. “You know, for fun.”

“You’ve written some.” Steve was simultaneously intensely curious and horrified at what he might find if he knew what Darcy called herself on the internet.

“I shipped you with Natasha because if that’s not happening, it totally should be. I would’ve slashed you with Thor, because holy shit, would that be hot, but that would’ve entailed Thor cheating on Jane, hypothetically, which means I’d have to taze him in the balls.”

“Obviously,” Steve said.

“I thought you’d see it my way.”

“This doesn’t seem exactly… I don’t know, legal?” No, that wasn’t the right word. Even Shakespeare had told stories about real people and he’d actually gotten paid for it. “I don’t think Director Fury would approve of this sort of thing going on, if he knew.”

“Are you kidding? No way Fury doesn’t know about this already. He knows _everything._ He probably has a Tumblr account just so he can keep apprised.”

“Tumblr’s the one with all the pictures, right?”

“Oh, Steve,” Darcy said in that special tone of hers, like he was a sweet little puppy who needed to be protected from the world. “You should stay away from Tumblr. Your poor geriatric heart might give out if you searched the Captain America tags. Also, you should never, ever look at anything that says, ‘NSFW’.”

“Is that the naughty stuff? Pornography? We had Tijuana bibles, but I guess this is easier since it’s all free and right at your fingertips.”

Darcy was staring at him. “Poor Agent Coulson. He’ll be crushed.”

Steve didn’t know why he felt so defensive. “Bucky bought them.”

“Right. And then he forced you to look at them.”

Steve felt his ears flushing. He tried changing the subject. “Is there stuff about all of us?”

“Sure, all you Avengers, at least. Plus Pepper, sometimes, and even Loki, frighteningly enough. Any combination you can think of, there’s people shipping it. Including the Hulk. You might be surprised at how many people would like to fuck the Hulk.”

Steve tilted his head to the side, considering, and then quickly decided he was done considering. “I hope Bruce doesn’t know about that.”

Darcy shrugged. “It’s all pretty harmless. Steve/Tony is popular, because you guys argue all the time and people picked up on it. Makes for good sexual tension. I’m particularly fond of Science Bros-- that’d be Tony/Bruce-- because _adorable,_ plus it’s pretty true to life. Except for the ones where they’re having sex.”

Steve’s expression must have changed in spite of his efforts to the contrary because Darcy went on, “Unless Tony and Bruce are actually having sex? Is Tony cheating on Pepper?”

“If Tony’s cheating on Pepper, then they’re both cheating on each other with Bruce together,” Steve said without thinking about it.

Darcy’s eyes had gotten really big. Damn. “Oh my God. Are they having a threesome? For real? Fandom will _explode._ ”

“Darcy, don’t you think it would be wrong to use privileged information and spread it all over the internet?”

“Hell, no!” Darcy said, and then sighed. “But it wouldn’t be fair to abuse my friendships and blah blah blah, stop giving me disappointed face, Steve. No one can make you feel like a terrible person quite like Captain America can.”

“It’s one of my superpowers,” Steve said, nodding, and Darcy laughed.

“You’re a lot less freaked out by this than I would’ve thought you’d be.”

Steve shrugged. “Guess I’m getting used to being in the spotlight, and all that it entails. Anyway, like you said, it’s harmless. If there are people out there having fun with it, then...”

“Live and let live?”

“Something like that.”

“Captain America, protecting our freedom one fanfic at a time,” Darcy said with a toothy grin. “So, gonna spend a nice afternoon catching up on some reading?”

That actually did sound pretty nice. Steve nodded. “Expanding my cultural horizons.” It was the same as Tony forcing him to watch Star Wars, right?

Darcy patted him on the top of his shoulder. “That’s the spirit. Some advice though, you might want to avoid anything by iamironman69. I have my suspicions that it’s Tony. Every fic I’ve seen revolves around how Tony Stark is basically a love god with an enormous dick and everyone wants to screw him, up to and including Natasha.”

Steve huffed a laugh. “Natasha would cut Tony’s balls off if she got close enough.”

“I know, right? Still, it’d be the sort of thing you’d want to sit down to with a big bowl of popcorn.”

“You’re a little bit terrifying, did you know that?”

Darcy beamed. “Aw, thanks, Steve. I’ll leave you with your porn, though, I’ve gotta go make sure Jane remembered to eat today. Remember, warnings are your friend. Your kink is not my kink, you know what I’m saying?” She turned around to walk out of the room.

Steve wasn’t sure he did, actually, but he let it go. He scrolled down, browsing, and then randomly clicked on something. It said, _Warning: mpreg._ The warning was entirely unhelpful because Steve didn’t know what it meant. He started reading, because how bad could it be?

It took him a while to be certain of what was going on. Then he quietly exited out of the screen.

Some things really were better off left behind closed doors.

**_End_ **


End file.
